After becoming a mother, I learned that I had never before been so vulnerable. During the early stages of my marriage, I had to deal with wondering if I would ever see my husband again. Saying goodbye to him the morning he left for Iraq was excruciating. I remember because the Christmas right before he left for Iraq, it was 2004 and it snowed on Christmas Eve. I remember thinking that day that this was the best it was ever going to get for us. I just knew he wouldn't make it back from that deployment. Call me a glass half empty kind of girl, but that was the way I interpreted life at the time. It's funny because just recently I was talking to my dad and that Christmas came up and my dad said to me that when it snowed on Christmas Eve, he just knew at that moment that the next year for Josh was going to be okay. I've worried for his life a lot. A whole lot. But it doesn't even compare to the fear I have over my daughter. I'm working on letting go of the fear. I fear for her safety and her health. If something happened to Josh, I would have been devastated but I would have gotten through it. If something ever happened to Ella, I honestly don't think my heart could take it. She is a piece of me. She is part of my heart and part of my soul. She is the reason that I want to be a better person. She deserves the best from me.
I came across this blog the other day and it really put all of my needs and wants into perspective. http://laylagrace.org/. It is actually a blog on a blog that I follow. I don't know these people at all, but the moment I clicked on that link and read the first post, I absolutely could not control my emotions. I wanted to close the tab. I wanted to stop reading. I could not handle the despair that this family is going through right at this very second. But I realized that while I didn't want to read this, this woman didn't want to LIVE this. I am so thankful for the health of my baby girl, but I am guilty that this woman has to feel this ultimate pain. And I think about Mary watching Jesus suffer. I don't know how mothers can go through such torture. Kill me, give me cancer, but spare my child. It hit me that all of the things that I go through that seem hard are nothing compared to what this woman is going through. I'm sure she'd take a million fits at the doctor's office for more time with her. She'd endure a million fights with her husband if it meant more time. I am heartbroken for this family. I urge you all to pray without ceasing for Layla. I pray that God gives her peace during her final months. I pray that God gives that mother and father the strenth and the grace needed to get through it. Please join me in prayer for Layla Grace.
A little walk
10 years ago
6 comments:
Wow, i just read one entry of thier blog! I can't imagine the pain they are going through. A few years ago I followed a blog of my nieces friend Brooke that passsed away when she was 5 b/c of cancer. Although Brooke passing away caused the family so much heartache and grief, other families and childeren are being helped check out thier website:http://www.biglovecancercare.org/index.html . You will find yourself checking in on Layla constantly & becoming so attached to a little girl you hardly even know! So sad that they have to go through this at such a young age! My prayers are with Layla and her family!
I know exactly how you feel. On the way to work this morning, I was praying for mine and Piper's health, because we have both been feeling icky. And then I just stopped mid-prayer because I know there are so many mothers out there that are worse places than I'm in, and I just felt guilty for being so upset over a sore throat and having a child with a runny nose.
That is so devastating. I can't imagine. They say that losing a child is the absolute worse loss that someone can endure. I'll join you in prayer.
I visited Layla's blog today too, and it broke my heart. I thought I'd be able to handle it since I don't know the family, but the Mama Bear instinct just swept over me and I sobbed as I tried to pray for them. I wish I could tell you young moms that that fear for your child goes away but that just ain't how it is. Soon (really now)I'll be needing you to pray for me as I let my youngest baby go off into the big world without me...
A friend of a friend here in Wichita lost her 11 month old almost a year ago now to the same cancer. Their stories seem so similar. It seems like once you have your own child, your eyes are opened to all of hurting and pain people have to go through with their own children. I just misscarried again a week ago, 3 now and each time it becomes more painful. I feel like I am stacking up kids in heaven. My grandma told me after I had my first that she was devastated to lose her husband, but would have rather that then to lose a child.
I have been praying for this family continuously since you directed me to this website. I can't stop thinking about poor Layla and her suffering, and as a result, Leah is getting so many more hugs and kisses from me than ever before.
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