After becoming a mother, I learned that I had never before been so vulnerable. During the early stages of my marriage, I had to deal with wondering if I would ever see my husband again. Saying goodbye to him the morning he left for Iraq was excruciating. I remember because the Christmas right before he left for Iraq, it was 2004 and it snowed on Christmas Eve. I remember thinking that day that this was the best it was ever going to get for us. I just knew he wouldn't make it back from that deployment. Call me a glass half empty kind of girl, but that was the way I interpreted life at the time. It's funny because just recently I was talking to my dad and that Christmas came up and my dad said to me that when it snowed on Christmas Eve, he just knew at that moment that the next year for Josh was going to be okay. I've worried for his life a lot. A whole lot. But it doesn't even compare to the fear I have over my daughter. I'm working on letting go of the fear. I fear for her safety and her health. If something happened to Josh, I would have been devastated but I would have gotten through it. If something ever happened to Ella, I honestly don't think my heart could take it. She is a piece of me. She is part of my heart and part of my soul. She is the reason that I want to be a better person. She deserves the best from me.
I came across this blog the other day and it really put all of my needs and wants into perspective. http://laylagrace.org/. It is actually a blog on a blog that I follow. I don't know these people at all, but the moment I clicked on that link and read the first post, I absolutely could not control my emotions. I wanted to close the tab. I wanted to stop reading. I could not handle the despair that this family is going through right at this very second. But I realized that while I didn't want to read this, this woman didn't want to LIVE this. I am so thankful for the health of my baby girl, but I am guilty that this woman has to feel this ultimate pain. And I think about Mary watching Jesus suffer. I don't know how mothers can go through such torture. Kill me, give me cancer, but spare my child. It hit me that all of the things that I go through that seem hard are nothing compared to what this woman is going through. I'm sure she'd take a million fits at the doctor's office for more time with her. She'd endure a million fights with her husband if it meant more time. I am heartbroken for this family. I urge you all to pray without ceasing for Layla. I pray that God gives her peace during her final months. I pray that God gives that mother and father the strenth and the grace needed to get through it. Please join me in prayer for Layla Grace.
