I miss you, miss you

One year ago today was one of the saddest days of my life. Late on the night of the 15th we learned that you died. It was the most shocking phone call I've ever received. I remember where we were, what we were doing, who called, where I was sitting, who I was with....I remember it all. But it didn't really hit me until the next day. You really were gone. The timing was tragic. The circumstances were awful. You, one of my best friends who was so full of life, was suddenly in an instant taken from this world. You were such a big part of my life. You were there through high school, an annoying sophomore always begging for rides home from school :), you were there through my crappy boyfriends, you were there for me when I was really wrecking my life to bring me back on course, you were most of the reason I finally found Josh and you helped us make it through our rough patches, you were there for me through both deployments to Iraq even though you were the one at war and I was still in the comfort of my own home, the tattoo parlor when we got matching tattoos, you were there at my wedding, you were there through all my crap. I hope I was there for you as much as you were for me. You always brought me down to earth when my hot-headed self would get a little crazy. You took good care of me. I was telling Josh the other day how I never worried about you when y'all were in Iraq. I always worried about Josh, but I always just knew you were going to be fine. You were larger than life. It's still unbelievable that we lost you. Afghanistan is a shitty country. I hate that that's where you took your last breath. I still have dreams about you. Usually they consist of some weird circumstances where I am trying to take care of you (during a hurricane). I'm not much into dream analyzation, but I assume it is my need to control what happens in life. I couldn't control the reality of your life, so in my dreams I try. I can't imagine how hard it is for Nicole and Addy or for your parents. We were just friends and I'm still devastated by your absence. But I know where you are today. I find so much comfort in that. Your dad said some really great stuff at church yesterday and it was really helpful for my healing to hear how he and Andrea have been healing. We can find joy and happiness in the fact that we will all be reunited with you again one day. I look at Addy growing up through pictures and she looks just like you. I wish I could just sit and hug her. She is the closest thing to you left on this earth. We had a family picnic on Saturday so we could all get together and remember you in our own ways. We rented one of those moonwalk waterslides and all I could think about was when Wally bought one of those and we busted it really late at night. And since Wal-Mart was 24 hours, Wally went and bought another one :) We were some crazy kids. Your dad and Andrea came to the picnic. I love getting to sit and talk with him because he has your laugh. He laughs and I am taken back into all of the wonderful memories with you. I miss you every day. I think about you all the time. Rest in peace, my friend. I will see you again someday.

The night will go on, my little windmill.

Does that whole mad season got ya down?

April 9th would have been Jon's 26th birthday. It's surreal to think that he will never age past 25. I think about him all the time. I'll hear a blink 182 song or a jack johnson song in the car and it brings me to tears every time. There was a new rob thomas song that i heard a few months back and i thought to myself, jon won't ever get to love this song. We spent countless hours sharing headphones listening to our cd players on the 10 hour drive to church camp during the summers or riding in "the wave" to colorado for ski trips. You could almost always guarantee it was a matchbox 20 cd playing. I don't know why it's music that reminds me so much of jon, but i can't listen to the radio without hearing one that reminds me of him. I like it, though, because it means i'll always have reminders of one of my greatest friends.

i don't really know how to start my next blog. i realize that it's just a blog, but it seems like every day that passes is one day further away from jon. if i write my next blog, then that means i've moved on. i know that really isn't the case, but that's the way it feels. every day, something happens that makes me think about him. or another story gets told with "jon and i...." or "remember when jon..." or "i can't believe when jon...". if feels like moving on means moving on without him, even though there's nothing i can do to change that fact that he isn't here anymore. i will watch ella reading her books or splashing in the bathtub and it makes me sad that jon won't ever get to experience these things that i treasure so much with my own daughter. my earthly mind cannot comprehend heaven, so i am stuck in this mindset that he's missing out on so much. my faith tries to convince me otherwise.

so to move on, most of my favorite memories are from our time in the army. we were so young (and stupid) and we had so much fun. when josh and i were dating, i spent my spring break during my senior year in college to go visit josh. he lived in the barracks. he knew no one. he had no car. he'd only been at fort campbell for a couple of weeks and jon was home on leave. so i had to come keep him company. i know, i had to right? :) but josh had to work all day. the army doesn't get a spring break. well being on an army base and not having a car or anyone else around, it got rather boring. i laid on josh's cot and listened to a lot of matchbox twenty and three doors down. and being the "girl" that i am, i figured i might pass some time by playing "dress up". this was fun. josh came back in time to take a picture. and boy was that heavy.

that time period holds so many fond memories for me. i got to spend so much time with two of my best friends. it was definitely a special time.

my friend jon

"hey kid, what it is?" was the intro to every letter i ever got from jon when he was in iraq. and all of them ended with "I love you, yo". I dubbed him jon-e-boy sometime back in high school and he called me beep. or spaz. or giraffe neck. or gummy. he also taught alley (a toddler at the time) to call me those names too. he was one of my best friends from the moment that little freshman kid came up to me begging for a ride home from school all the time. he had my back and always had the best intentions when it came to me. i appreciate him for helping me steer my life back on track the summer after i graduated high school. i think if it hadn't been for jon getting me more grounded than i had ever been in my life, i wouldn't be where i am today. when i became friends with jon, i gained three more best friends: josh, dusty, and jeremy. the four of us spent the entire summer together and had so much fun (well josh didn't get to have much fun because he had a job...boo!) And they were the only people I was allowed to hang out with, since I was grounded. They would bleach their hair white and play basketball CONSTANTLY! One day that summer, we decided to go ride gocarts. But for some reason I wore a dress that day and I didn't have any clothes to change into. So Josh let me borrow a pair of his basketball shorts and then Jon found one of his 10 year old little brother's t-shirts for me to wear. I was left wearing my clogs and a fantastic get-up. We had a blast! They certainly didn't care that I looked like a complete idiot! Over the years, we went to church camp together, ski trips, they came and visited me at college in kansas a few times. Jon broke my papasan chair and then we went on a "vision quest". Sorry, you had to be there! Then came the army. Had it not been for Jon, I don't think Josh and I would've ever gotten married, or even started dating. I owe Jon so much. One of my favorite memories, which probably isn't the best thing we ever did, but whatever! Jon was home for R&R in December 2003 and I was having a hard time with Josh being in Iraq and not getting to come home for R&R that year. So Jon kept me company the two weeks he was home. Well, one night we decided to go to Kroger and get some beer. Well, instead of buying the beer, we stole it right out of the refrigerated beer section and walked it back to the employees restroom and drank it. We drank beer and smoked cigarettes most of the night back there. I don't know how we didn't get caught. Luckily, no employees had to pee between the hours of 11pm and 1am. Jeremy eventually came and hung out with us too. We also got tattoos when he was home on leave. I'm so glad that forever, I will have a memory of Jon no matter where I go. I can't seem to remember what his tattoo was supposed to mean. I mean, it's not like I can get it translated. We did pick out chinese symbols for tattoos from a skanky tattoo parlor!! I'm sure they were less than accurate :) I have so many funny stories of Jon. He was brutally honest with me and was quick to tell me I was being an idiot and overreacting. I am so mad at myself for letting the last three years of Jon's life go by without being a part of it. It just goes to show that life is so short. It's too short to hold onto to hurt feelings and pride. I'm so grateful that we were able to spend time with you in June and make up for lost time. God put us there for a reason and that reason was you. I love you, yo. You will forever be one of the best friends I ever knew.

beep