My sweet girl. She is so beautiful, on the inside and out. I want to share a conversation with my sweet girl from yesterday. I never want to forget this moment in time. We were eating a quick dinner at Subway before going to church for our Maunday Thursday service. Josh went to change Sadie's diaper, so it was just Ella and me sitting at the table.
Ella: Mom, did Opa die?
Me: Yes, a long time ago. When I was just a little girl.
Ella: How did you know he died? Did you go see his body?
Me: Yes
Ella: Like we went to go see Nanny's body?
Me: Yes, just like that.
Ella: I miss Nanny. I wish we could see her today.
Me: I know baby. Sometimes we miss the people that are in heaven. And it's okay to miss them.
Ella: But she was a grandma. Grandmas don't die.
Me: They do. Everybody has to die one day.
*At this point I see these big tears starting to well up in her eyes as she's come across some sort of awful realization.
Ella: Mom, does that mean you're going to die?
Me: One day baby, but not for a long time.
Ella: When you're a grandma?
Me: Yes, baby when I'm a grandma.
Ella: I don't ever want to grow up.
Me: Why don't you want to grow up?
Ella: Well, I want to grow up to be a big kiddo like Alley and Cane, but I don't want to grow up to be a parent.
*She starts getting really concerned again.
Ella: But if everybody else grows up and I don't, I will be all alone.
*By now, I'm crying. Thinking in my head...no, racking my brain on how to make this better. How do I keep my sweet girl from thinking everyone she loves is going to die and leave her here by herself.
Me: Well, Ella one day we all get to live in Heaven together. We're all going to die here on Earth, but we get to go to Heaven.
Ella: So you mean we'll be alive in Heaven?
Me: Yes.
Ella: Ohhhhh, I get it now!
Then she looks up to the ceiling and I hear her quietly say:"God, I think I do want to grow up to be a parent. But I still don't want a baby."
She looks over at me and says "I just told God that I did want to be a parent, but no baby" as if I didn't hear her a moment ago say it already. But to her, she was speaking to God, not me. So she had to turn and tell me too.
And I just smile through the tears streaming down my face. One of my biggest fears is losing one of my children and I hate having these conversations about death with her. Because even the thought of her dying is too painful for me to deal with. But through this little conversation with my daughter, I was able to also come to a slightly closer understanding that God is going to take care of us.
Josh comes back from what seems like an excruciatingly long absense to find Ella bubbling and bouncy again while I'm wiping tears from my eyes and he's trying to figure out what happened while he was gone.
Ella: Mom, did Opa die?
Me: Yes, a long time ago. When I was just a little girl.
Ella: How did you know he died? Did you go see his body?
Me: Yes
Ella: Like we went to go see Nanny's body?
Me: Yes, just like that.
Ella: I miss Nanny. I wish we could see her today.
Me: I know baby. Sometimes we miss the people that are in heaven. And it's okay to miss them.
Ella: But she was a grandma. Grandmas don't die.
Me: They do. Everybody has to die one day.
*At this point I see these big tears starting to well up in her eyes as she's come across some sort of awful realization.
Ella: Mom, does that mean you're going to die?
Me: One day baby, but not for a long time.
Ella: When you're a grandma?
Me: Yes, baby when I'm a grandma.
Ella: I don't ever want to grow up.
Me: Why don't you want to grow up?
Ella: Well, I want to grow up to be a big kiddo like Alley and Cane, but I don't want to grow up to be a parent.
*She starts getting really concerned again.
Ella: But if everybody else grows up and I don't, I will be all alone.
*By now, I'm crying. Thinking in my head...no, racking my brain on how to make this better. How do I keep my sweet girl from thinking everyone she loves is going to die and leave her here by herself.
Me: Well, Ella one day we all get to live in Heaven together. We're all going to die here on Earth, but we get to go to Heaven.
Ella: So you mean we'll be alive in Heaven?
Me: Yes.
Ella: Ohhhhh, I get it now!
Then she looks up to the ceiling and I hear her quietly say:"God, I think I do want to grow up to be a parent. But I still don't want a baby."
She looks over at me and says "I just told God that I did want to be a parent, but no baby" as if I didn't hear her a moment ago say it already. But to her, she was speaking to God, not me. So she had to turn and tell me too.
And I just smile through the tears streaming down my face. One of my biggest fears is losing one of my children and I hate having these conversations about death with her. Because even the thought of her dying is too painful for me to deal with. But through this little conversation with my daughter, I was able to also come to a slightly closer understanding that God is going to take care of us.
Josh comes back from what seems like an excruciatingly long absense to find Ella bubbling and bouncy again while I'm wiping tears from my eyes and he's trying to figure out what happened while he was gone.
Once I had regained my composure and we were driving to church I was able to turn around and explain to her in very real terms how amazing it was that this very weekend almost 2000 years ago Jesus died on the cross JUST so that we could all go to Heaven and be together again with Him. Had he not died on the cross for us, we would not be alive together in Heaven. Very cool.
*Side note: Ella does not want to have babies. After Sadie was born, she was asking me lots of questions and I told her that you have to get a shot when you have a baby. So she decided that she no longer wants any part in being a Mommy. So, then I told her that she doesn't have to get a shot, but she's no fool. She said that having a baby hurts too. So she asked me how to make sure she doesn't have a baby. I told her that she just needs to tell God that she doesn't want to have any babies since I'm at a loss for words to a then 3 year old who wants to make sure that never happens! Every once in a while, I will hear her whisper out to God when she thinks I'm not paying attention: "God, I don't want a baby" just as a reminder to Him. :) I still hope she changes her mind one day.
*Side note: Ella does not want to have babies. After Sadie was born, she was asking me lots of questions and I told her that you have to get a shot when you have a baby. So she decided that she no longer wants any part in being a Mommy. So, then I told her that she doesn't have to get a shot, but she's no fool. She said that having a baby hurts too. So she asked me how to make sure she doesn't have a baby. I told her that she just needs to tell God that she doesn't want to have any babies since I'm at a loss for words to a then 3 year old who wants to make sure that never happens! Every once in a while, I will hear her whisper out to God when she thinks I'm not paying attention: "God, I don't want a baby" just as a reminder to Him. :) I still hope she changes her mind one day.
And here's a quick snap of my Sadiebug. She was mad at me for taking a picture. This seems to be the picture I get out of her most of the time these days. This or one of her flailing around on the ground in mid-fit. :)
2 comments:
No one tells us how to handle those moments, do they?! But, you handled it like the champ you are!
I love hearing Piper pray. We were praying on the way to school one day that she would play nice and get a green dot, and then I heard her say "And thank you for mommy for picking me up from school."
We gots some sweet girls!
Josie does not want a baby either, she tells me it will hurt too much getting it out, but it won't hurt me because she will be there to hold my hand =)
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