Friday, July 6, 2012

I really don't like to write about personal things.  Usually any posts that get too personal never make it past the draft status on here.  About a year ago, I started having anxiety attacks...nothing I've been to the doctor about, because I'm scared that they'll prescribe me something and I want to overcome this on my own.  I don't want this to be a permanent thing in my life.  But they can be pretty debilitating.  I clench my teeth every night while I'm sleeping and I have to wear a guard now so that my jaw stays in alignment.  I spoke with my mom and dad about it last year and my mom told me that there were times when she was younger where she would all of a sudden become really fearful, so she memorized Psalm 91.  Well I was at home one evening and we were cleaning up dinner and out of nowhere I sort of started to freak out.  So I went and sat in the half bathroom with my phone and was trying to remember the Psalm that my mom told me to read when I start getting scared.  So, I pulled up Psalm 18 and started reading it out loud to myself:

 I love you, O LORD, my strength.
 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
  my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
  my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
 I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
  and I am saved from my enemies.
 The cords of death encompassed me;
  the torrents of destruction assailed me;
 the cords of Sheol entangled me;
  the snares of death confronted me.
 In my distress I called upon the LORD;
  to my God I cried for help.
 From his temple he heard my voice,
  and my cry to him reached his ears.
(Psalm 18:1-6 ESV)

And slowly but surely my heartrate went down, the tears stopped falling, and I felt like I could breathe again.  So maybe it wasn't the same one that my mom memorized, but this is obviously the one God wanted me to hear.  He gave me something to cling to in that moment.  So these days I'm pretty armed.  When I start to feel that uncontrollable fear creep up on me, I can read this Psalm and try to keep it at bay.  I can tell you that my anxiety attacks aren't related to anything in my life right now.  Life is pretty good for me.  Two beautiful children, a husband who adores me, a healthy family, a new house....and maybe that's why I have these "episodes" for lack of a better word.  I keep waiting for something terrible to happen.  Because, after all, this is life and it's not always going to be this easy.  I was angry about all these newfound fears at first because my life is so incredibly different now.  But I've come to accept that God put this in my life for a reason.  Maybe this is a time in my life where I need to be aware and cautious and be steadfast in my faith that He will ultimately take care of me and my family.  I'm not always "thankful" for this lesson whatever it may be, but when I start to panic I can remind myself that He is in control.  And He loves me so much. 

Here's a song that I love.  It's by one of my favorite bands Rush of Fools.  If you haven't heard of them, you should check them out.  All of the albums are really good.  The second one is probably my favorite.